*Panic attack*

My best mate came over this evening, and as she'd read my essay we got to talking about it and what she had thought about it all. She then reminded me that in, oooh, what less than two weeks, I'll be in front of the Beth Din, and then, if all goes well, I'll be Jewish.

My, is this sinking in rather suddenly? It's not as if I didn't get into this with my eyes wide open and knowing the committment, but I wasn't prepared for how much I would love this new religion. It speaks to me on some basic levels. Up until recently I've been working rather hard on it and haven't savoured the moments as they come. In the past few weeks (maybe burying a relation had something to do with it) I've really had the feeling I've crested the hill. I know I've got the rest of my life to work on it, but at the moment it's genuinely a fantastic feeling looking back on the past 13 months and realising what I've achieved. This feeling lasts for a couple of nano-seconds before my nerves and supreme self-confidence get to me.

I might or might not post my essay. If you e-mail me, I'll send it to you but I don't really feel like cluttering things up unnecessarily.

Weddings

Well, the Procrastinatrix reared her head on Friday afternoon, but was succesfully subdued. We went to a birthday party last night and I took advantage of the opportunity to take a break from thinking about death to have a lovely evening in Clapham (of all places!). A pleasant night out and a surprisingly speedy cab ride home, coupled with not getting completely legless meant that I awoke this morning relatively full of beans.

On Saturday we went to a friend's wedding in St Martin-in-the-Fields, Trafalgar Square. I met up with some people from my undergraduate days, and was speaking about weddings (oddly enough). Apparently a mutual acquaintance got married to a Hindu chap in a Hindu ceremony and didn't do much due diligence on the format of the service. Consequently, when some fires were started, she was terrified - having not realised that fires were a part of the ceremony! This made me think about my own wedding and how I have only seen one video of a Jewish wedding (my future sister-in-law's) and there's only so much sense of occasion one can get from books.

We had brunch at Mr Wonderful's brother-in-law's brother's house. We asked if we could look at the DVD of their wedding, and I was pleasantly relieved to see that it was as I had remembered from our meeting with the shul's wedding co-ordinator. So at least I know that if anything catches fire it isn't part of the plan. Smashing glasses, however, I'm not going to freak out about.

And now, after a fruitful day involving minimal football-watching, my essay is in first draft. It's quite an advanced first draft - I have to go through and put some more emphasis on certain parts but the main thing is, it's substantially ready to go. A full four days ahead of schedule. This represents a great achievement for me, and I'm considerably more relaxed about it now.

When it's finalised I'll probably post it here. I don't know how long my usual posts are, but my essay is just over 2,000 words, so feel free to skip it!

Don't fall off your stool or anything

I haven't died or been abducted by aliens. I have however been relatively busy of late.

What a lot has happened since I last felt the irresistable compulsion to have a "dear diary" moment. I had a birthday (the not-so-big-30) and a party, but that's not important right now. At book group on my birthday (yes, I live the high life) the rabbi said he thought that three of us would be ready to "go" in July. Obviously I looked around to see who else he could have been pointing at when he mistakenly waved in my direction, but he definitely meant me.

So I spent the rest of my 30th birthday in a state of orange-alert. My birthday is the back end of April, for those that didn't know, so I will have had roughly 2.5 months to prepare myself by the time the big day arrives. When I stoppped running around like the proverbial chicken sans head, I actually felt rather proud of myself. I know pride isn't good, but July is a while before my wedding - enough in advance that I can properly prepare and enjoy both the conversion and the wedding as separate events. Hopefuly for others too, the events will not run together and forever be associated the one with the other.

Now I have to write an essay for my conversion, it has to be read by the Beth Din (rabbinical court of three rabbis who examine you) before you turn up for the examination/ interview. It is only 1,500 - 2,000 words long, which seems absurdly short. I don't think I've ever written an essay that short before in my life.

I am writing my essay on Jewish eschatology and have found it to be an incredibly interesting and (dammit) widely written-on topic. I wrote some essays on death at undergraduate level, so I know I like researching the subject. The thing is, through the conversion process you never actually learn about death. It's not seen as important; or at least not as important as living this life well. So I'm going to write my essay on something that I've not studied before. Go, me.

And have you guessed why I'm blogging today, oh reader dearest? Well, I procrastinate. At university I had my inter-galactic colours, and represented the Milky Way (second team only, I had a headache during the trials), I was that good at it. I spent months not writing essays, then weeks doing nothing but. I'm serious here - no sleeping, no eating.... Anyway, you would have thought that I'd learn from the experience, but I'm nothing if not stubborn. And pig-headed (or is that the same thing?). And competitive.

But I digress. Anyway, at law school I managed to procrastinate so well that at the end of the course (two years) I had appled for about six training contracts. I know it was six because I can remember the firms I applied to. Those with the shortest appplication forms. Even having a boyfriend who was a trainee at a top ten firm, sat on the trainee solicitors' group, and shared a room with a training partner (and who would occasionally call me with some good answers to questions that he'd found in the pile of applications on his boss's desk) didn't induce me to apply to his firm. I spent two years doing anything but securing my future.

This time, however, this time, it will be different (to misquote). My essay is due 1 July. I go before the Beth Din in mid July. I did all of the reading for my essay (well, all I'm going to do) ahead of schedule, and want to have the first draft of the beast ready to go on Sunday. I'll then ignore it until Thursday. At that point I'll pull it out, tweak it a bit and send it over on Friday (can't send it Saturday - it's Shabbat!). I will then become a picture of serenity, inner-poise and calm as I look forward to my meeting with the Beth Din.

Sorted. Now if you'll excuse my I've got to go paint my fingernails, my toenails, pluck my eyebrows, go to waitrose, nip to Selfridges, cook lunch, and then I might just have time to do some of this essay before Shabbat comes in. Or not. Who knows. I, the Procrastinatrix, have struck again.