Remedial English classes for pupils with A* in GCSE English

This link is to a recent article in the Torygraph details how a bunch of guys at Harrow sat a literacy test before commencing their A level courses and 20 out of 160 failed. The article points to two main causes - incorrect spelling of simple words and the abuse of the apostrophe. I'm always amazed when I read something written by someone who uses the apostrophe as though it's for decoration, especially when people use it seemingly indiscriminately, as though there aren't any rules to heed.

When I started at grammar school, aged 12, we had a lesson in which we were told how to use the apostrophe. At university, people lost a not insubstantial amount of marks for dodgy punctuation, and particularly for abusing the apostrophe. So, I know how to use it. Some other parts of speech (when to use "whoever" as opposed to "whomever", for example. I had a discussion with a colleague about this and will probably post a link to a site that explains it when I find a decent explanation) are beyond me, and some complex punctuation (and syntax) does flow over my head sometimes, but generally I can make myself understood. The abuse of the apostrophe is one of my pet hates and means that I have to re-read a sentence because the sense of it has been so badly distorted.

So, how to use an apostrophe:
1. Go and buy Lynne Truss's book "Eats, Shoots and Leaves".

2. Turn to the 35-odd pages on punctuation.

Or read my rather shorter, definitely less complex, brief summary. I'm only going to set out the basics. Plural forms of words and positioning of apostrophes will be left for another day. I'm usually correct but will gladly take comments.

General rule:
an apostrophe denotes EITHER missing letters OR ownership.

Examples:
Isn't - is not. The "O" is replaced by the apostrophe.
John's coming - John IS coming. The "I" replaced by the apostrophe.
John's book. The book of John. This denotes ownership (genitive).

Exceptions:
Its/ It's.
The only time you can use the apostrophe is where you are replacing a letter. So "it's" can ONLY mean "It is" and never denote ownership.

It's coming - it is coming. Fine to use the apostrophe here.
It's cold - again.
The aeroplane landed on it's wheels - Nope. Never. The apostrophe can't be used here because the sentence would then mean "the aeroplane landed on it is wheels".

And I can't work out how to use the spellcheck function on this blogger system. Anyone who can - could you tell me?

Poverty despite mobile 'phone possession

Nablus - an Israeli soldier was blown up yesterday. LGF covers the story here. Apparently the locals cheered and carried away body parts - although the body parts were returned through the PA to the IDF. To take a body part of a dead Jew such that the body is not buried whole has serious implications from a resurrection/messianic age point of view. When suicide bombers and terorists blow up Israelis, the guys who go in to collect the bodies frequently have to gather many, tiny, body parts up and spend quite some time allocating the parts out such that each victim is buried as near to "complete" as can be. No mean feat if the bomb went off in a packed area. So nice one, run off with the body parts.

Anyway, the point I was going to make was this -

Whilst the locals were cheering and removing the body parts, some people (including children) were taking photographs of the events on their mobile telephones. Getty Images has a photograph of one delightful such scamp.

Surely this goes some way to counter-balance that stupid argument that the Palestinians have nothing to fight with apart from their bodies (or whatever it was Cherry Blair/ Booth said). These guys are obviously not that close to the bread line if they've got mobile telephones. I know it's not the same as a picture of a child in Versace gear and gold jewellery, but it does tell me something about the level of poverty in these areas. That it isn't actually poverty. And the poor kids - to be witnessing those kind of events, to be so immune to suffering and humanity that it doesn't even seem odd to want to remember the details and photograph the scene.

I'm a Jew

Well, I went in front of the Beth Din yesterday. Overwhelming feelings of happiness, deep contentment and relaxation kicked in shortly after it was all over.

I've done it! I'm Jewish!

I've spent the past fourteen months actively trying to become Jewish, and before that a year and a half discussing it all with Greg (and friends, and anyone else who'd listen!), wondering what and how and whether to tell his parents, and generally considering the idea. This was for me though. I'm closer to Gregory than when we started, I'm sure. I don't really want to stop going to the classes and lessons, but my time's gone. The whole bunch has changed since we started. It all changes very quickly. I remember when the girl after me started, about Christmas time, and now she's the veteran of the group. There's a really nice girl who started recently and I'm in touch with her - besides, I'll see everyone in shul. We're quite an expanding group - I knew about six converts (and now nine, including me and my buddskis who went yesterday), and see about half on a regular basis in shul. So it's not as though I've been cast out from anything - just not as close to the action.

I am probably going to fill up my free time very, very easily, with a whole load of stuff which isn't quite so nourishing to the soul. However my next step is to go through my cookbooks. A friend came to my birthday and brought a book of Jewish recepies (I can NEVER spell that one and the spellcheck function on this thing doesn't work) for festivals, and I've also got the Jewish Deliah (yes, irony intended, but not really flash enough to be Jamie, nor rude enough to be Gordon, nor veggie enough to be Ainsley). I'm going to try to cook some of them.

In Golders Green yesterday my future mother-in-law went into Yarden to pick up some frozen chicken breasts, and was told they've run out until about September - because of bird 'flu! So we're either going to have to go Glatt, or go veggie. I'm thinking salads and couscous.

Now I've got to go and cuddle my fiance. I'm his first Jewish girlfriend!

Stabilisers off...

This time tomorrow I'll be going in for my interview with the Beth Din. Well, I say this time tomorrow because my appointment is at 1100, however I have been reliably informed that the rabbis frequently run late. A friend had her appointment at 1500 and didn't get in until 1700. This will be fine, I'm sure. Yes, we're turning up at about 1045 despite this advice. My parents and the future in-laws are also going to be there. Stress-free, you betcha. Now my father is a bit strange when it comes to time-keeping. We routinely as children arrived about an hour early, wherever our destination. I suspect my father will be there first, champing at the bit. You see, I mentioned there was a cafe (which I've never seen in a year and a half of synagogue attendance, but still, I'm told it's there!).

What to learn? I've re-read all my notes and annotated them, as was my practice at law school (university revision didn't really amount to much). Green for dates, pink for important words, and blue for the rest. I'm annoyed I've not yet used my purple pen, but hey I can probably live with that. So I've covered the lifecycle, the calendar (and am reading specifically on the festivals right now/ after my break), shabbat, kashrut, home and education. I've got to do some more on theology and prayers, and finish the festivals. Plenty of time. If my stomach doesn't keep trying to exit stage left. I'm going to be overdosing on immodium if I'm not careful!

Every time I have something important in my life, my guts turn to water. Flying somewhere, first dive of the holiday, first ski of the holiday, exams, important meetings at work. Mr Wonderful thinks I must have the constitution of an ox to have so far avoided stomach ulcers due to my complete inability to handle stress. I thank goodness for small breaks. I don't get stomach upsets very often. The last time was during Pesach when I experienced the atonishing binding powers of motza meal. However my stomach is in full-blown freak out. I might just say "to hell with it" and make a pot of coffee. Then I can blame the jitters on the caffeine.

But what if my notes aren't enough? What if I've not actually done enough in the past 14 months to pass muster in front of the rabbis?

There are going to be three of them. One will probably be the head of my synagogue, whom I know quite well. The others - who knows? The head of the Masorti movement might be there. He's quite knowledgeable. Like the sea is a bit wet. He has run several courses (on Torah study, and on kashrut) which I've been to. Listening to him talk is like plugging yourself into a stream of knowledge. Anyway, he might be there and people who have been before say he's the most intimidating of the three. He's actually one of the most kind clever chaps you'll ever meet. I participate in his "Ten Minutes of Torah" study programme. It is really cool - have a read!

Now I must get back to my coffee and festivals.

AAAARGGGGHHHH

I'm currently leading a transaction at work. The deal was we'd get all documents by Thursday close of play. The documents are *still* coming in, in the most frustrating and badly ordered mess I've ever seen. It's appaling. I have never seen anything like it. The bunch of people on the other side of the transaction are the most ill-mannered, lazy, incompetent and unprofessional bunch it has ever been my misfortune to deal with.

They can't keep to their deadlines but expect me to keep to mine, which means I have about eight hours to read everything they have sent through, after close of play this evening. I hate lawyers.

Hopefully it will all seem much less stressful after Tuesday.

At the mercy of technology

Well, Frdiay morning dawned and I had a beautiful lie in until about 9. Mr Wonderful is working in Milan a bit at the moment so I was home alone. There are compensations, for example I get to lie diagonally across the bed and pile up all four pillows under my head. Slighty bizarre behaviour, especially considering that when he's there I use one pillow if any. I got up with the intention of sending off my essay and my second letter. I had to write a letter before I was accepted on to the conversion course, and now I'm near the end, I have to write another explaining what I've accomplished in the last 13 months. I finished both second letter and essay on Thursday evening and slept very well indeed. Only to wake up Friday morning and discover the network was down. Now if the better half had been in London, I would have called him, but he wasn't and usually when he's abroad he's even busier than normal, so I had to manage by myself.

The letter and essay went by e-mail today. Yes, I couldn't sort out the network. Whilst I was tidying, thinking about wedding flowers, reading a book by Telushkin, and eating (well, obviously) I considered how to do it. I tried saving the documents in the "shared" file, but in the absence of a network this was rather a silly idea. It was only this morning that I realised I could have used my USB (not to be confused with UBS, no matter how many times I try, I'll never fit a bank into my laptop) memory device thing and manualy transferred the documents. However, as I mentioned, I only realised today.

Now I'm on to the "final" stage. I've selected my Hebrew name (Chaya, meaning life) and now just need to draw up my revision time-table. I envision a Rimmer-esque scenario, in which I spend hours and hours colour-coding my topics and making sticky labels, but in reality I don't have time. I've got until 11 July, and as I work I'm out for at least 12 hours a day. Then there's sleep. Who needs sleep? Well, I do. Gone are the days when I could function on four hours' a night sleep, now I need to be smacked over the head with a cattle-prod after about 7 hours. And if I'm home alone I can sleep through alarm clocks. So it's a rigorously adhered-to bedtime for me this week - no later than midnight.