What a nightmare

I am starting to feel more Jewish. I think my Pesach experience made me feel more like I belong, more part of the group. I've been reading a book by Anita Diamant it's incredibly informative both for prospective converts and anyone who knows someone going through the process (although mostly geared to family). This book is good, it covers how to tell relatives, what the mechanics of the conversion involve (including details on the mikvah, or ritual bath and the blessings that should be recited at the mikvah), possible reactions to conversion and how to handle them - and is generally an excellent reference on quite a personal subject. I had read sections of it before but now am reading it from the start, the whole way through.

The comforting thing is that everything is addressed, and one isn't made to feel odd or weird for experiencing strange feelings - or not experiencing them.

On Saturday night I had a nightmare. Now this isn't unusual, I have in the past dreamt that I died, so I'm used to having dreams that completely freak me out and leave me gasping for breath when I awake. This particlar dream was that Mr Wonderful, his parents, and I were packing a sportsbag each and leaving the country. We were fleeing, in the manner many Jews fled eastern Europe (and other areas) in the run up to and during the second world war. I don't know if it was actually the nazis we were running from, or a different bunch, but it was sufficiently serious that we had to leave RIGHT NOW. I remember I had my comfort blanket in my bag, along with about £50,000 in cash (I did say it was a dream). Greg's mother had all her jewellery, and we were all wearing trainers. The feeling I had was similar to the intense and complete seriousness that I felt the when we were in the Maldives during the tsunami scare last March (when no tsunami ensued, thankfully). The feeling that this is it; there is no time for histrionics or wailing, we are facing something so huge that all we can do is get on with it.

The phenomenon (of having persecution nightmares) is documented in my book; I read about it today. It was a relief to realise that I wasn't just letting my subconscious find new ways to give me a kicking.

Apparently converts start to identify with the horrific things that have happened to the people we are joining. Previously the holocaust was "just" one of the most appaling events in the history of the world, as I become Jewish it takes on a personal element, and I begin to identify with the persecuted on a personal level. Having never been in a minority before (most lawyers are now women, and being Welsh doesn't have the same connotations) it's a slightly unsettling feeling. It has however made me more sensitive to other minorities, which can't be a bad thing.